Following Your Heart – Not Just a Romantic Cliché

My husband and I went out last night to run a simple errand.  On the way to Barnes & Noble, we were chatting about our day.  I had grabbed lunch with a former colleague and I shared with Ryan that while I enjoy the friendship of my old work buddies, I don’t feel invested in that corporate world anymore.  Together, we sat in the car and reminisced about my journey to this point…

As early as 2010, I was feeling desperate for a spiritual presence during my workday – thank God for the online Book of Common Prayer.  I remember wishing my vocation was more of a ministry like my husband’s work that he did as a special education teacher.  In August of 2012, I accepted a job with a company owned by a private investment firm.  There was the potential for me to receive a substantial amount of money when the company was sold which we expected to happen within a few years.  During this time, I facilitated a class at church about Work as Worship as I wrestled with being a Christian in the workplace and whether God valued that work or not.  For years, I had been working full-time and consulting part-time.  If the company sold, it would give me the financial freedom to return to being self-employed full-time as a business consultant, work that I felt was closer to a ministry.  The company sold in early 2014 and we now had a substantial nest egg in the bank. 

The last four or five months at my corporate job were very difficult for me.  In retrospect, I see that although my job was stressful by anyone’s standards, I likely could have coped with it better if my heart hadn’t been pulled elsewhere.  I prayed for God to give me a sign if I was to stay or leave my job.  Over a two week period, the signs were dramatic.  I met with my priest to help me as I discerned God’s will.  I poured my heart out about how I longed to be self-employed again as a business consultant and that through study of scripture, I was hearing the message “return to God” over and over.  Because of my demanding job, I had dropped out of almost all ministry – very painful.  She mentioned that the evangelism minister staff position was still open at the church.  I knew that but had dismissed the idea because of my 70+ hour a week job plus my small consulting practice.  After our discussion, I decided to interview for the job as part of my discernment process.  Then, not knowing if I would be called to the evangelism minister position or not, I left my corporate job in December, 2014.  [I was offered the job in January.]

Fast forward to now, I start telling Ryan that I feel no inspiration to pursue any additional business coaching clients – the thing I’d been longing to do for years!  Then the tears come.  I finally realize that God hasn’t been preparing my heart and finances to do business consulting, he was preparing me for this evangelism ministry.  More tears come as I apologize to my husband about not pursuing the corporate coaching clients which would be very financially beneficial for us.   He assures me I’m doing what God wants me to do.  I turned down a job opportunity a few months ago that was more money than I had ever made in my life because I felt God was not sending me there.  Ryan affirms this decision again.

I believe I am to follow my heart because God is in control of my heart.  And here is the kicker for me.  If I do not pursue more coaching clients in the business world, I will have to rely on God.  More tears.  My husband suggested to me that being able to earn an abundant income had become my security.  When Enron imploded and we were drowning in debt, we learned much about stewardship of the money that God had given us and trusting God to provide.  However, in recent years, as our incomes increased and debt disappeared, I took comfort in our own ability to provide.  So, now I am back to learning that all the money is God’s and that we will have enough.   Maybe we will sell the corvette.  Maybe we will dip into our savings.  Maybe Ryan will get an assistant principal position.  Maybe, maybe, maybe. 

I do not know what the future holds but I do know that accepting this call to ministry saved me from self-destructing.  God knocked on my door for years and it is pure joy to serve in this way.  Evangelism requires emotional vulnerability and risk.  But I also see now that feeling financially vulnerable and relying on God may be my biggest lesson on this journey.  For a “check the box” kind of person, I hate to admit I have to learn this lesson again.  I picture Jesus shaking his head and saying “Molly Carnes, I sent the disciples out and told them not to carry even an extra tunic.  I gave you a nest egg so you’d feel secure so get going!” 

As we walked through the store, I looked over at a shelf and this is the first book I saw - literally.  I said to my husband, “God is doing something to me.”  He chuckled and said, “Welcome aboard.” 

I have been blessed with this godly man that I met by chance (not really); in a nightclub; a cradle Episcopalian; 24 years ago today.  Is there someone in your life that can listen to your ponderings, prayers, and longings and support you in discerning God’s will in your life?  Can you do that for someone else?   

P.S. If you want to be notified when new blogs come out, follow me on twitter @mwcarnes1. I only blog when inspired - no set schedule.