I describe my faith like
this: a basket full of beliefs and
doubts, all carried by God. The doubts are
not about whether I believe scripture is true or if there is a God but more
about my own doubt in being able to trust that God is listening, God is engaged,
and will act. That is one reason I write
this blog: it’s important for me to pay attention when I see God’s hand at work
in the world. It reassures me in my
times of doubt. And one of my doubts is usually that God will give me anything
to write! I know – it’s silly.
This past year has been
particularly challenging for me. I see
the world becoming more broken by sin.
Jesus tried to open our minds to the concept that we all are one people –
that no matter how different we may seem, we are one in the Lord. And for me, that means that as a Christian,
all people, including the non-Christians, are precious and held in the Lord’s loving
arms. Maybe it is only my perspective
but I see a more individualistic culture becoming the norm. I see sin (separation from God) manifesting in our world as a lack of concern for the poor,
dehumanization of certain groups, disdain for experiences different than our
own, and the use of religion as a weapon.
This pains me greatly and so this past year, I have struggled to keep my
depression under control and avoid cynicism.
Thank God, literally, God continues to act and show me even in my doubts, that my belief in an all-encompassing,
world-changing, no qualifications required LOVE is still truth. One thing that my experiences of divine love have
in common is that I was open to it – emotionally available and physically
available. It would have been so much easier
to pull the covers over my head and never leave the house.
One day during staff meeting, a
mother and daughter stopped in to join us for prayers before her daughter’s
surgery. We laid hands on her as we
prayed. For me, when I touch other
people during prayer, I get an intense physical sensation that runs through my
body which I believe is the Holy Spirit.
This particular day, it was so intense that I nearly collapsed. Broken but hopeful.
Recently, a group of us went to
the local Mosque for their Open Mosque Day – an opportunity to meet as
neighbors, as one in the Lord. They
invited us to an instructed call to prayer.
When I heard the call to prayer, in a language I didn’t know, the Holy
Spirit shot through me and I felt that this call to the divine was ancient and
preceded our time of division. Tears
came to my eyes. I have no intention of
converting to Islam but that day was a lesson for me. Not only is the Holy Spirit present
everywhere but as I am committed to supporting their spiritual expression, I
need to support those Christian expressions of faith with which I
disagree. Broken but hopeful.
After Hurricane Harvey, a group
of us delivered lunch to relief workers in various neighborhoods. It would have been more convenient for me to
go by myself since the neighborhood was close to mine but a parishioner
suggested we go together which meant I arrived back at the church where a woman
had been waiting. She asked if the church
was open because she needed to pray. It
was locked but I was happy to let her in.
We prayed together and shared our flood stories. When I saw her recently at St. Mary’s Fall
Gift Market, we both said we were doing better now and she was surprised when I
remembered her name. We shared a Holy
Spirit moment; I will never forget her.
Broken but hopeful.
One of my beliefs is that of free will. God has the ultimate power to act but we have
free will to make ourselves available or to pull the covers over our heads and
protect our hearts. While I cannot
control everything, I also don’t believe that God is controlling
everything. He gave us the ability to
choose. We have 31,102 verses in the
Bible that encourage us to choose love. What
is keeping you from making yourself available to God?
