In my ministry as a church
finder, I help people who are wounded by their church experience to return to
Christian community of various denominations.
These folks have been hurt for a variety of reasons – their gay son was
rejected by church leadership, they were told they couldn’t serve in ministry
because they are divorced, they witnessed abuse but told not to report it, they
were continually taught they were inherently bad and evil, they were told they
couldn’t leave their abusive husband.
The list goes on and on.
So when I hear sexual assault victims
come forward to accuse their perpetrators and others question why they didn’t
say something sooner, I know why. I know
because of my own assault experience and because of my ministry with the
wounded. We don’t teach consent well in
America. I have never accused my
attacker and probably never will. Many times,
teaching consent starts with church and that can go well but it can also go
very badly.
Church wounding is a deep, deep
cut that takes a long time to heal, if ever.
There is a grieving in both admitting that you have been hurt (a profound
loss of innocence) and that you feel you must leave. For many, leaving their church is a
death. It is the death of community,
relationships, and hopes. But standing
up and saying, “this place will not hurt me anymore” is a boundary. We talk about physical consent but there is
also emotional consent. And we don’t
teach this well.
As I hear the stories of parents
struggling with leaving their church community after a wounding experience involving their children, I
am learning more and more. They
often feel they are being “judgmental” or “un-Christlike” if they abandon their
faith community. Christian teaching will
tell us to forgive 70 times seven, right?
This scripture, as well as others, is misused to create an “anything
goes” dynamic and it is dangerous. Forgiving
each other does not mean accepting abuse and hurt.
These parents worry about the
lesson they are teaching their children if they abandon their church instead of
staying and working towards reconciliation.
In the Episcopal Church, we believe the mission of the Church is to be
reconciled to God and each other but this does not mean that we tolerate hurtful
treatment. Reconciliation can take many
forms and it can be done without remaining within a painful community. It may take years to be reconciled and in the
meantime, we are teaching our children.
Here is the lesson I tell parents
they are teaching their children when they leave their church: You are teaching them consent. You are teaching them that consent is not
only physical, it is emotional and spiritual.
You are teaching them it is okay and healthy for them to reject hurtful
treatment and protect themselves. This is
an important lesson for all people. No
one has the right to hurt you and especially not in the name of Jesus. You are empowering them with consent and that
is a great gift that will serve them in all areas of their lives.
Our faith communities need to
challenge us to leave our comfort zones, grow more Christ-like, and take risks
in the name of Jesus. They are not there
to convince us of our unworthiness, to wound our souls, or stress us out.
When I hear the joy in the voice
of these tender souls when they discover a Christian community that loves them
just the way they are, where their soul feels safe, I am over the moon. Sometimes, even worshipping one time in a
place that is loving and welcoming is profoundly healing. And I am continually amazed at how God shows
up in these people’s lives and opens all the right doors for them. It is truly a miracle.
Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened for
you. What are you waiting for?
