Taking a Chance on Love

When my husband and I were dating, I was the one who said I love you first to which he responded, “oh.”  This was not the reaction I was expecting.  I felt completely ridiculous.  I pretty much figured the relationship was over; that he did not feel the same way I did and that he was likely getting advice from his friends about how to end it.  At the time, Ryan was a social worker and worked with a team of women who were glad to give him dating advice.  Apparently, the women in his office were horrified when they learned that he was in love with me and didn’t say so.  He cleared this up much to my relief!  This is a happy ending but I have had my share of heartbreak as I am sure you have, too.  We humans can be unpredictable and fickle when it comes to love. 

The Good News is there is a love that is unconditional and unfailing and that is the love that Jesus has for each of us.  This love has no limits.  Jesus doesn’t love us because we’re cute, funny, smart, charming, or talented.  He loves us because we are a child of God and he is our brother.  Tragically, some of you have been hurt by your Christian brothers or sisters and are still trying to recover.  Please know that Jesus loves you extravagantly.  We must separate the actions of imperfect humans from the true love that Jesus has for us.  That Jesus you read about in the Bible, the one that breaks the rules to heal the suffering, he is crazy in love with you. 

If you are still searching for a Christian community where you can be yourself, don’t lose heart.  We are wired for relationship and not meant to be alone.  Do your research, pray for guidance, and like any healthy relationship, move at your own pace.  Ask the hard questions.  While you search for a church home, be your true self. If you feel too much pressure to conform or fit in, listen to your gut and keep looking.  God wants to use all of you for his purpose because he is tickled as punch with you as you are. 

And if you would like the help of a spiritual matchmaker, send me a private message through Facebook/Twitter/Instagram.  I confidentially help people all over the country who have been wounded by their church experiences return to Christian community.  It is the joy of my life to help others find a loving, affirming, merciful Christianity that truly reflects Jesus of Nazareth.  These places do exist!

Lastly, remember the purpose of being a part of a Christian community is not so you can be a better person.  Christian community is our place to practice loving without bounds, not practice being perfect.  The brave folks who walk through the church doors with their scars and broken hearts, taking a chance on love, these seekers are my heroes.  Jesus loves you.  This I know. 

Losing My Life

For much of my early adult life, I coped with stress by making changes.  I would assess my situation and figure out if there was anything I could change to relieve my stress.  These would be external things like change jobs, change my child’s preschool, or change my city.  Making changes made me feel in control and like I had taken concrete measures to address my emotional distress.  While the Serenity Prayer bids us to “change the things we can,” I didn’t pay much attention to “accept the things we cannot change” part. As I got older, I became more self-aware of this as my personal coping mechanism.

  

These changes were not usually done rashly but they were not always effective.  And since they were external, situational aspects of my life, it didn’t require me to do the inner work required to find peace within myself.  One of the most significant examples is getting a divorce to relieve the crushing depression I experienced.  It didn’t work but it did give me the time and space to get treatment.  I count being able to reconcile with my loving and devoted husband as evidence of my personal growth from some very dark times. 

What reinforced this coping mechanism was that professionally, it served me well.  Being able to assess a dysfunctional situation and determine what changes would rectify the problem was a valued skill.  I became an expert problem solver and change agent.  During the last 13 years of my career, I was never hired to maintain anything.  Over and over, I was brought in to either create something from nothing or to completely revamp what was currently in place.  If a company was in a time of transition, that was attractive to me, especially because I lacked a college degree and when companies are in chaos, their standards get, shall we say, flexible.  The messier it was, the more I wanted it because I knew I could hit the home runs and prove myself quickly.  I earned a reputation for this messy work and never had to look for a job.  Layer on top of this my perfectionism and I finally wore myself out and left the corporate world in 2014.  [See “Following Your Heart” post for more on that.] 

For the past several months, I have been in a period of discernment.  I never seem to quite settle down for good in my life.  While I call it “restlessness,” my spiritual director thinks “responsiveness” is a better term.  So, in response, I am stepping down from several roles in my life including  my evangelism staff position at my church and my advisory role for Invite Welcome Connect at University of the South (Beecken Center) at the end of this month.  These were not easy decisions and ones that I have checked over and over to make sure they were not reactions to stress.  I still feel called to coach and speak on evangelism, help wounded seekers across the country find Christian community, and to finally create time and space to write a spiritual memoir which honestly scares me.  Prayers appreciated!

I am responding to a call for peace versus perfection, to simplicity versus success.  Letting go of so much of my external identity comes with grief.  Jesus said whoever loses his life for my sake, will find it.  I hope so because constantly proving myself is exhausting.  It feels like Jesus is taking me down to bare bones which doesn’t sound very life-giving but I’m going with it. 

After spending much of my life working 150% to make up for not having the right credential, giving up these positions made me rethink my identity.  I now know that the only credential I have that matters is that I’m sealed by the Holy Spirit in Baptism and marked as Christ’s own forever.  And no one can take that away.  And I can’t change it.  That’s a good thing.  A very good thing.