A couple of weeks ago, I felt like
I was being called to temporarily remove myself from my daily life. Things had been very busy with little
downtime (my fault). As the crazy making
reached a crescendo, I knew silence was calling. I have heard others say that when you answer
a call to ministry, it is affirmed by others.
Well, this calling to silent retreat was affirmed by others that I
consider messengers of God.
First, our guest teacher taught
an adult class about self-compassion which reminded me of “monkey brain” and
the need for loving self-talk and meditation.
Next, I read a blog by my rector which said it’s good practice to choose
a theme for a pilgrimage. I thought
about that and “silence and rest” came to me.
Last, I met with my spiritual director who helped me choose the right
location and gave me permission to do nothing but sleep if that’s what I
needed.
I resisted the temptation to
bring anything with me that resembled work, even writing thank you notes. When the retreat center offered a massage
appointment, I declined because I didn’t want to have any schedule to keep
other than showing up for a meal.
On the way to the retreat house,
I saw a likely homeless man at the corner.
With no Bag of Grace to offer (this is a bag with water, snacks, etc.
from St. Mary’s), I hated to ignore this man.
I had some cold water with me so I rolled down my window and asked him if
he would like some water. He said he
sure would because it was getting hot already.
I asked him his name - it was Bruce.
I usually tell people I meet like this I will pray for them but similar
to what happened in my earlier post, “What Does Jesus Look Like?” I couldn’t
because I suddenly felt too emotional.
We chatted and I drove off with a lump in my throat for several
miles.
As I was being shown to my room
at the retreat house, we passed a sign posted for an Al-Anon meeting that night
at 7 pm. I asked my guide if I could attend
– yes. That would be my one planned
activity. (Al-Anon is a support group for
people affected by the addiction of a loved one.) This had been on my list of to-do’s for some
time but I hadn’t found the time or the right group.
It was surprisingly easy to
unplug. As my brain emptied out, I slept
and read and sat still. I came around the
corner of the patio to see a huge male peacock perched on a table. He was beautiful and I remembered the
peacocks that roam the neighborhood of my spiritual director. She had told me there were peacocks at the
retreat house but I had forgotten. I
watched bunnies hop and eat. I walked
the labyrinth and let the path guide me without having to think about my
steps.
That night, as I walked over to
the Al-Anon meeting, the peacock perched on top of a roof as I passed by. It seemed he was a messenger that my spiritual
director was encouraging me. Although I
didn’t share, I cried more in this meeting than I have cried in any other
similar support group meeting. And I
spent years in these meetings when my
son was in early recovery from substance abuse.
This meeting was exactly where I needed to be. If you are not familiar with the 12 Steps of
Alcoholics Anonymous, they include among other things, to turn your life and
will over to God. Al-Anon also utilizes
these steps and they really apply to anyone because these steps are a pathway
to God and healthy relationships with others.
As I pursue this new life in ministry, I still find it difficult to let
go. This meeting was a needed reminder,
not only to trust God but to let go of my codependent concern for others,
mostly my older son’s well being and behavior.
I asked for a “desire chip” which means that I made a commitment to work
the program.
When I came back from retreat, I
felt a great peace and noticed all the beauty around me like this beautiful passion flower that welcomed me home.
I could appreciate all the goodness again. The weekend wrapped up by attending our older
son’s five-year sobriety milestone celebration at the local Alcoholics
Anonymous group - plenty of tears all around. There were many
messengers that shared their stories and reinforced my call to work the 12 Steps
for my own well-being and relationship with God.
Who are the messengers that cross
your path and what is God telling you through them?
Follow this link to
the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous. If
you are not in recovery, you can utilize these steps by replacing the world “alcohol”
with “others.” http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf
